Pink Balloons

I was going to write a letter to 2014.  I was going to write something along the lines of "I hope that you bring less disappointments" and "please take it easy on me this time around." I was going to tell 2014 that I am going to embrace it and see the joy in it.  I was going to...

...until the pink balloons.

Maggie and I had gone to Old Navy, where she was given a pink balloon.  The nice things about Old Navy balloons are that 1. They don't have helium in them, 2. You do not need to purchase something in the store in order to get one, 3. They are free, and 4. They make your living room beautiful and clutter-free.  Ok well, maybe just three things.  After we left the store, we stopped at the school where my mom works as a school nurse.  Her window is near the front door and I got the clever idea to knock on it to suprise her.  Maggie wanted to bring her balloon in to show Grandma and had asked me to hold it while we were outside.  As I leaned in to knock I did not take into consideration the bush that was below the window, proudly displaying its leafless, cold, and pointy little branches.  Yup.  Mom fail.  I popped the pink balloon and Maggie very much knew that I was the one that did it.

The next evening Kyle, who had heard about the pink balloon tragedy the night before, saved the day by bringing home a pink balloon (with white polka dots!) from his office.  (It was left from a baby shower.  We all know that an investment firm is nothing that exciting that it deserves balloons.) We were over at my parents for dinner that night and Maggie and I slept over.  The next morning we met friends for a play date, where I had kept the new pink balloon in the car.  As I was about to load Maggie into the car, I opened the wrong door on my key fob. When I did, the strong wind took it right out of the car.  Another pink balloon loss.  Another mom fail. (At least this time I blamed the wind and was off the hook.)

As you can imagine, Maggie's reaction after each balloon vanished was anything but happy.  There were lots of tears.  There were lots of sobs.  There were lots of "my booooooooooon!" All I could think about was how to replace it.  I wanted to send out an emergency text. "I need a pink balloon. STAT!" I didn't even require a pink balloon.  ANY balloon was fine in those moments.  I just wanted her to be happy again.  

The more I thought about it, I realized a few things.  My daughter will experience disappointments in life - a lot of them that cannot be fixed with "another balloon." All I will want to do is fix those disappointments for her.  Instead I must let her face them, learn how to work through them, and be her example.  Instead of asking 2014 to give me less disappointments, I must realize that they will come and I need to be strong and work through them. 

Oh and we went to Old Navy today, where she was given... a pink balloon.  

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Some of my favorite Maggie phrases lately:
"Have fun Mommy.  Drive carefully!"
"That's terrible" (complete with both hands over her face and eyes)
"What is that those? (she always adds "those" even though it's unnecessary)
While dancing at Super Cuts: "C'mon mommy.  Feel the beat!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I have been missing my Vermont friends a lot lately.  Actually, a lot doesn't even cover it.  My friendships with them are ones that are so precious and meaningful.  I have been longing for that.  I wish I could tell each of them how special they still are to me and how many tears I've shed wishing for their company.  While I still stand by the words in my very first post, that I will not give myself a timeline for adjusting to life in Rochester, I am eager to cultivate new friendships. We went to a new church this week that we think is "the one."  I am hopeful that it will be fruitful to us in many ways and will bring me some friendships similar to the ones back "home."  

And speaking of Vermont...

I was breaking graham crackers apart for Maggie and ended up with this guy. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As far as asking 2014 to take it easy on me, I think it already has.  If you haven't seen on my Facebook page, we bought a house! (I will be posting pics of it shortly.)  It happened super fast but is definitely the house for us.  We close one month from today on February 28 and could not be happier.  It is everything we want and about a half mile from my parents.  Salem Road won't know what hit it once the Zess family moves in. :)

I asked our realtor if we could include "The weather shall always be as pleasant as it is in this picture" to our contract.  She thought it would be inappropriate.

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Just a note- When I refer to 2014, I am just doing that to be cute (as if I wasn't already ;) I am fully aware and believe that God is in control of everything that will and has happened.  To Him be the glory.

We Wish You a Very Zess-mas

Yesterday I tried writing a new post, only to be pulled away by a non-sleeping Maggie who was supposed to be napping. For a while all I heard on the monitor was singing, then a pause, then "maaaamaaaaa .... come baaaaaaaaaaack" over and over.

As I was looking through pictures on the laptop today, I came across these two from our vacation at the Thousand Islands this past summer. With it being so cold today that they closed schools, it did my soul a world of good to look at them. I even felt a little warmer.

Pigtails in the warm breeze

The cutest Crocs. Ever.

Strawberry ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.

So, Christmas. It was wonderfully overwhelming.  Maggie seemed to understand the nativity, and loved pointing out Mary, Baby Jesus, and "Joe-fiss" (Joseph) and although she got excited about Santa coming and leaving toys under the tree, she refused to put out cookies and milk for him.  When we were growing up I remember my dad saying something about how Santa really prefers pretzels and beer. (Perhaps a new tradition in the Zess house?) She kept telling me that she didn't want to see Santa, and I can't blame her, really.  If you stop to really think about it, we spend time parenting our kids about "stranger danger" and yet we also encourage them to sit on this old man's lap and tell them how he comes in their house ONLY when they are asleep.  So, don't worry, Maggie.  You don't have to SEE Santa because you will be sleeping when this jolly stranger comes in our house.

Christmas Eve consisted of the annual Pearson Christmas Eve party, which occurred at brunch this year, as opposed to dinner, because of nap schedules.  I think Maggie's Christmas dress was the highlight of my Gram's holiday.  It was made with love by her and worn 27 and a half years ago by yours truly.

Oh, and this is what Christmas Eve looks like in the Zess residence (which is currently our residence)...

... after church, of course.

Christmas morning went better than I thought it would.  Last year Maggie was a bit overwhelmed by the present opening process.  This year we gave her a present to open, then we each opened one.  Spacing out her opening gifts cut down on her getting overwhelmed and gave her the opportunity to take her time with each gift. 

Here are a few shots from that magical morning ...

Seeing the gifts under the tree 

Maggie has an incredible love for rubber duckies.  

Here are 2 baby duckies she got in her stocking.

When someone asks her "What did Santa bring you for Christmas?" she answers "ducks."

Funny how she mentions the 2 things that Santa spent the least amount of money on.

The Minnie Mouse pretend digital camera continues to be a hit.

Minnie Mouse (the third one she got for Christmas this year).

Mickey says this was his best Christmas ever. Dude is one lucky mouse.

Good thing Mimi and Papa got new pots and pans for Christmas.

It's not like she just opened a bunch of new toys to play with or anything.

One of my favorite gifts that Maggie got was a Melissa & Doug dish drainer set, complete with dishes, dish soap, and a sponge.  Girlfriend is a very thorough dishwasher, even putting the cups in the drainer upside down for maximum drying.  It's never too early to learn housework.  It's about time she started pulling her weight around here.

Christmas dinner was at my brother Dave's house again this year.  Maggie was excited to play with her cousins, Katie and Lydia. It's fun that she and Lydia are only 2 months apart in age.  Here is a picture of the two of them on their first Christmas with my dad...

This year the three of them got new pjs so here they are sporting them ...

Stay turned for the next post, which will be my letter to the year 2014.  As always, thanks for reading and keeping in touch.  Stay warm. It's cold enough to freeze your Winnebago!

Lights and Loss

Have you heard Jewel's version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Well, if you have, my deepest sympathy.  If you haven't, good for you for sparing yourself 3 minutes that you will never get back.  It's the worst Christmas song ever.  I just can't.

But my biggest holiday pet peeve? A house decorated with mutli-colored AND white lights.  Now, don't misunderstand me ... it's strictly MULTI-COLORED and white.  Blue lights with white lights? Fine!  Red lights with white lights? Sure!  Multi-colored and white? Absolutely not.  They simply just don't belong together.  It's not a healthy relationship.  Stick to one or the other people. I have nothing against either, it's strictly when they are together.  To your separate corners, lights.  

(The only exception is my in-laws house, where I am living mortgage free.  They can do whatever they want.)

Well right now I am listening to the rain outside, but we used to have a good amount of snow.  I've learned to embrace the snow, as my dog and toddler are huge fans (that and the fact that I'm from upstate NY and Vermont.)  One of Maggie's favorite books is about snowmen, in fact.  She has taken a liking to the snowman who has a pickle for his nose.  So, I give you our version ...

And of course, when you come inside from snowman building, hot chocolate is pretty much required. But it tastes the best when you drink it on Mimi's kitchen floor.

On a more serious note, an extremely special person in my life, who has been struggling to get pregnant, had a miscarriage last week.  It is so devastating. It's the kind of pain that no one can understand unless you have been through it.  There are so many questions and very little answers.  I feel so helpless.  What can you do? What can you say? How do you help?

My sister-in-law (who's heart is more beautiful and inspiring that most) has experienced a few miscarriages.  I texted her to ask her what I can do because my heart is heavy and hurting for her.  My sis sent a text back to me (that I deleted by mistake -Karen fail) was so helpful to me.  She basically told me these things ...

Go over to her house.

Bring a bottle of wine or a gallon of icecream.

Cry with her.

Listen to her.

Don't pretend to understand.

Don't pretend you have the answer.

She is grieving.

Say "I'm sorry" a lot.

If she needs to go to a movie or do some shopping or watch all of Grey's Anatomy seasons from start to finish, do that with her.

Don't feel obligated to offer words of comfort.  Those can't be found right now.

I don't know why this is happening to her.  I don't know why some people aren't saying anything to her when "I'm so sorry.  I don't know what to say." is just enough. I don't know when she will have a child, or what avenue she has to take for that to happen.

What I do know is that she will be a mother.  I do know she will love that child so hard and the desires of her heart will come to fruition.  And I do know that we need to be kind to people we meet because we have no idea what battle they are facing. There can be so much hurt behind a forced smile. 

...whew that was some heavy stuff.  But it's that heavy stuff that reminds us to let the little things go. (Like hatred for multi-colored lights and white lights coexisting on the same house. ;)

So B, this e.e. Cummings loveliness is for you girl.

I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart.

I am never without it. Anywhere I go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling.

I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet).

I want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 

and whatever a sun will always sing is you.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.

Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart.

Put Some Pants On, Karen

Do you have a favorite ornament? I do.  It's a little brown ballerina bear.  My gram made it for me (one of many) and maybe that's why I love it.  Want to see it? Me too.  I have no idea where that box is.  

It feels very strange to not "deck the halls" this year.  Wait .......... I did hang a Christmas wreath on a wall in our room.  Fa-la-la-la-la! 

I had a feeling that this time of year would make me miss having my own home.  When it comes to Christmas time I am all about traditions.  This decoration goes here.  That Yankee candle goes there.  Put Papa's tin angel on the top of the Fraiser fur.  Sit on the couch and address Christmas cards while watching The Santa Clause 2.  It's just not the same this year, but then again a lot of things are not the same this year.  

Thankfully, I got to live vicariously through my parents, and brothers' families by going with them to the infamous Christmas tree farm.

Or was it cookies we went there for?

 Our niece, Lydia.  To her the cookie is simply a vessel that carries the prized frosting.

Our nephew, Grady.  If it's a cookie, he'll eat it.

In Maggie news, her newest obsession is with the original Frosty the Snowman movie.  She will sit and watch it from start to finish and now can anticipate some of the lines or noises.  She just loves that Frosty.  I love the movie for a completely different reason.  The main character's name is Karen!  The one thing that completely bothers me about her, though? She isn't wearing any pants. It's winter, Karen.  Put some pants on for crying out loud.

Don't feel sorry for her, Frosty.  It's her own fault she's cold.

Going along with the Frosty theme, Maggie was thrilled about our first "able-to-play-in" snow of the season here.  We made a snowman of our own with her buddy next door. I can't help but agree with Maggie, though.  The first good snow is pretty magical.

So magical, in fact, that Maggie couldn't stop eating it.

And speaking of not being able to stop eating, we had a very nice Thanksgiving in Buffalo with Kyle's family.  We have a lot to be thankful for this year, especially finding a job and selling our condo so quickly. 

Thankful for our little turkey ...

... who is also a little ham.

I have been missing Vermont in a big bad way this week.  My precious 802. Getting Christmas cards in the mail has been and will be bittersweet.  It makes my heart ache for my irreplaceable friends, my VT family.  Then at the same time I feel blessed to be remembered by them and to see pictures of these incredible people who have touched my heart in ways that they don't even know about.  I hope they know that I think about them daily. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't longed to be in your presence.  To hear you laugh... to have a play date with your precious little ones... to meet you downtown for a drink... to sit beside you in church...

... to feel your arm around me.

(Maggie & her cousin Katie)

Wegmans & Channing Tatum

Welllllllll this post is coming to you much later than I planned.  It seems like when I get the free time I earn my title as Queen of Distractions.  TLC has a power over me.  I think we need to break up.

We have been enjoying being with family for sure.  What a luxury it is after living out of state for years.

The Zess men enjoying their barley sandwiches

Maggie is a fan of going to Grandma and Papa's (my parents) house.  Why? Well other than Grandma doing anything she wants, Papa gives her treats. Check this one out.  As big as a dessert plate? Check. Lots of chocolate? Check. The turkey is made out of frosting? Check. Oh, Papa Papa Papa. You can't see it but I'm hanging my head and shaking it.

A typical Rochester day for Maggie and I include getting out of the house every morning.  EVERY morning.  We both need it.  To ease some anxiety, I make sure to have a plan the night before.  We've been doing things with some former Rochester friends, which has been comforting.  Since there is already a relationship established there, it takes off a lot of pressure.  

There are places in Rochester that I've never explored, seeing as how I haven't lived here with a child of my own.  My GPS is my buddy right now because I have forgotten the best ways to get places! 

Speaking of Rochester places, I get Wegmans back.  Hello old friend.  The things is though, I don't like having to learn a new grocery store.  I was comfortable with my North Ave Hannaford.  (Did you see how I spelled the name of that store, Vermonters?! THERE IS NO "S" ON THE END!)  Yes, I used to plan my grocery list according to isles.  Stop making fun of me and think about how much sense that makes!  I never have to go back to the other end of the store because I forgot something and when you have a toddler with you, that's HUGE! So now, although I love Wegmans, I have to learn it.  I shop at the store that I worked at in college, but everything in there has changed.  And the other thing is that eventually we will be moving to the east side of Rochester, which means -yup, you guessed it- I will have to learn a new Wegmans AGAIN!  I know, I know, people are starving in Africa.  This is really not a huge problem.  But I'm just sayin.'

  

I have hit a rough patch this week.  Things are slowly sinking in three weeks later.  To be honest, I still feel like I'm waiting to go back to Vermont.  Some days this move feels permanent and I try to embrace that and some days I have to remind myself that this must now become home.  I feel as though many people expected this move to be less tough because I was born and raised here.  I went to college here.  I got married here.  My family is here.  But, this has to become home to me all over again.  I'm not who I was when this used to be home and I was at a different stage of life.  I try to remember to be patient with myself.  I can recall when I was struggling with postpartum depression, I said to my therapist through sobs "My baby is nine weeks old.  Shouldn't I be better by now?!?!"  Little did I know that Maggie would be two years old before I felt healed.  I have learned to not put a timeline on my feelings.  

I was having a crappy day this past week.  The kind where you just want to crawl back in bed and start all over.  I wanted my Vermont family.  I wanted to be back in my perfectly cozy condo.  I wanted to see the mountains that I fell in love with.  I wanted to laugh with my MOPS girls.  I wanted to hear the songs from my church's praise team.  I wanted to be back where I felt at home.  For some reason I was the one who put Maggie to bed that night.  This is something that Kyle usually does, but that night it was me.  I was rocking her and we were talking about her day.  We were silent for a while.  I kissed her head and smelled her hair for the millionth time, and she said "I want Maggie house.  Maggie house far away, Mama." I couldn't help but well up with tears and agree with her.  

I am taking things one day at a time, and as depression/anxiety has taught me, even one hour at a time.  Rochester hasn't earned the title of "home" yet, and that's okay.  No timelines, right?

I came across this on Pinterest the other day ...

Sorry about the blurriness.  I used my phone to take a pic of my iPad.  Enough said.  The quote above says "When you are having a bad day, good friends say 'feel better.' Best friends send videos of Channing Tatum stripping."  

Let's just say that I had quite a few pictures of Mr. Tatum sent to my phone. Maybe next week I won't need him.  ;)

New York, New York

I can't figure out if I should ask "Is Rochester ready for the Zess'?" or "Are the Zess' ready for Rochester?"

Well I promised that I would start a blog to keep all of my Vermont friends up-to-date on this glamorous life of mine, so here we go.

It's been almost 2.5 weeks since we left good ole Vermont and moved to our familiar Rochester.  The move went as smoothly as we could ask for.  Good thing we had "Pearson Brothers Moving & Storage" (a.k.a. my dad and uncle) to spearhead the process.  Their careers as engineers came in super handy when packing the 26 foot truck.  It was like 3-D Tetris.  A big thanks to them and all the friends in Vermont that helped us load.  We couldn't have done it without you ... well ... we COULD have ... but it would have been a lot slower and tons more frustrating.

We arrived in Rochester at about 5:30pm and were greeted with lots of family ready to help unload the majority of the truck into my in-law's house, attic, and storage space above the garage.  By the end our assembly lines were super productive and a spaghetti dinner was the perfect ending to an exhausting day.  The next day, Sunday, the rest of the truck was unloaded at our storage unit.

Monday (two days after we moved) was a rough day.  Kyle had very little downtime, as he began his new job that day.  I was used to him being around, since that was our new normal after the layoff.  Suddenly, I found myself alone. Just Maggie and I. My parents and Kyle's parents all work, as do all of my handful of friends that I still have here.  I was still pretty tired from a busy weekend so I parked myself on the couch and let the PBS app work its magic on the iPad for Maggie.  I decided I would let myself be sad and emotional that day.  I allowed myself to cry a lot say to myself "this just sucks." I missed my Vermont family so much. SO MUCH.

The next day was better, waking up with a brighter spirit.  Thanks to a lot of therapy, I like to think I know myself pretty well, so I decided to do what I know will help me ... STAY BUSY.  

I make a plan the night before for the next day.  Maggie and I get out of the house every morning.  It's worked really well, except for when it's time to head home. (By home I mean my in-laws' house, which is where we are crashing.) Maggie is a big fan of being out and about and never wants to head back home.  It's made for some interesting car rides.

We had a great Halloween.  Maggie and I started the day trick-or-treating at a local library, then went to show off her costume to her Great Gram (my grandmother). We ended the day by being in the village parade and trick-or-treating our way back with Maggie's neighbor buddy, Gavin.

 trick-or-treating at the library

 Gavin and Maggie in the parade

 "lollipops!"

Our little cupcake

It's been such a blessing not to have to start over in an unfamiliar place.  We have gone to my parents' house for dinner on Fridays and even spent our first weekend all alone there overnight Maggie-free while the 'rents were in Pennsylvania.  We are definitely taking advantage of our live-in babysitters when we can.  Being without family nearby for almost 7.5 years has made us very much appreciate their availability now.  I grew up in the same city as both sets of my grandparents and I am excited that Maggie will have the same opportunity.  

I will write a little more soon about how we are adjusting and how I've been feeling about everything.  (After I wrote this sentence I thought "wow, if I had just read this on someone's blog I would've rolled my eyes thinking how boring that would be to read." I promise I'll do my best not to bore you.)

I'll leave you with some pictures of an outing to the zoo with my favorite redhead, words from my buddy Frank Sinatra, and tell you that I'm doing okay.  I know I have a lot of Vermonters worried about me during this huge life change.  I'm fine.  I'm not great, but I'm fine. :)

A baby sea lion on his mommy's back. 

 The whole time we watched them all he did was bug her.  

I thought "I know how you feel, sister."

"I'm gonna make a brand new start of it. New York, New York." -F.S.